cant think of a title..prolly it's still mix feelings...

Woke up feeling like I didnt sleep at all though my body was resting. My mind was awake the whole night thru. Since 2am... Got up thinking bout the matter still. Couldnt get my mind off it the whole morning till now...Laura! thanks for calling all the way 1st thing in the morning! =)
(I felt like I kinda walked you up your office while chattin! haha...) Yea my mind was just so all over... Like "oh no! Is that it? I mean I was just hitting on the wrong target board?" Yet it was such a joke.. I felt like a total idiot. Literally! Omg!! All these while....I mean I might be wrong ..catching the wrong frequencies etc... for a moment I felt my heart just shattered into pieces...

And! to top it! When I got into the car, started my engine.. the radio was playing "I will never break your heart.....!" WAT!!??? Do I have to get that too!? Aih..talk bout hilarious coincidence... supposedly the right song for the right mood...sighh...

Pressure is really building up here... I have no idea how I'm gonna survive the coming few months. I dont even dare to imagine the course now. Sometimes I just tell myself to let it just come and hit me. Honestly it feels as if I'm standing in front of the ocean.. expecting a tsunami to hit me.. cos I know it's coming... these few days I can feel it coming already. Sad thing is, I have no choice...I cant go no where.. but to stand there and wait for it to come and drown me.
It's not even a suicide.. I reckon it's more like a forced-no choice kinda suicide. All in the name of obedience and honour.

I see tons of challenges coming ahead of me. I know I need to be all the more positive. I know that! I have been telling myself that time and time again. Every morning I wake up I repeat to myself.."I'm a victor, not a victim!" I reckon I'm human too and as strong as I can be, sometimes I need a break ... A  time out session... I need to empty out some emotions and then walk on. You get what I mean?

I was chatting with a friend. He was sharing bout his experiences as a leader and how he understand what I'm goin through. It's so true that we too come to a point of break down sometimes and it makes it all the more genuine to show that though we are leaders, we break down and go through rough patches too. I reckon I'm in a stable break down mode. Meaning, yea I'm down and all but I've encouraged myself and I know I need to pick myself up, not think too much etc...
I just need someone to walk along side me.. Like I have always said so.

I thought there is really no one.. but yday I knew that I found someone. But it's just pretty awkward for now to tell straight to the face. "..so and so..u know you are the one whom I think I feel comfy to talk to" It's prolly not the time to be that direct as yet I reckon. Besides..I wouldnt know how the other person may feel bout it.
Anyways..Hey if you are reading this, thanks for spending the time chatting with me for an hour plus last night! =)