Till when will it last?

Hi Blog. It's been more than a year since I got here. Feels like there's a lot to dust away and spring cleaning is much needed in here since you've been abandoned for so long. I guess that will have to come later. At this moment I just feel comfortable sitting in the "dust" and "dirt" right here. Just want to enjoy the Old feel as if things did not changed. Pretty much just hoping that scenarios in life did not change at all. I wish daddy is still here just like before.

I guess since this place is so abandoned. No one will prolly read this and I can safely just pour out here huh?? sigh.

I cant sleep. AGAIN I'm feeling like this. Every night feels like a torture to sleep. What's the point sleeping when I'll naturally wake up again at 230, 330, sometimes 430 (sometimes every hour!) and most definitely at the strike of 530am! That's the exact time when the whole incident took place. When I get up, it just keeps playing in my mind over and over and over and over again. Just staring at the corner where it all happened, makes it feels as if it's happening again for real right in front of my eyes. I rushed over in hope to be able to grab hold of dad. Then I realised I was just hallucinating? Because the scenario was playing in my mind.

When will this end? When will I Not wake up naturally and not have the whole incident playing in my mind. At times it feels as if the whole incident projects out from my mind and I'm watching it right in front of me on big screen. God when? God WHY?????? You are so cruel. You broke my family. You broke our hearts into pieces. Do you know the tremendous pain of going through every single night like that?????? and the emotion that comes along with it??? and the after effects???????????

It feels as if we are going through a Job season literally. 1st, things starts to get wrong and then you took my dad's life. Who are you going to take next?? Why not me huh?? Why not?

Sigh...I tried so hard to be optimistic. I tried to worship as hard as I can. I was sincere when I worshipped. But after that, I get back to the same old corner of grief, of just emotional roller coaster rides, The Joy and Peace is gone. To find back that Joy that used to flow from within. The strength that comes with it that no doubt is Your strength. No matter what tough seasons we've gone through as a family. The Joy will still be there. There's no more joy at all now. Every time I try so hard, but I always get back to that same place of tremendous heart aches that only I know the intensity of the pain. I don't feel that I'm moving forward at all. Many times I wish I can just be me and grief whole day long every where I go. But life is at such that we constantly have to filter our expressions. It's so difficult to just smile when I'm with my friends. But I've to try to be okay when I'm with them. I mean who wants to see a crying girl all the time right? After all not like they will feel me. But I do appreciate all they try doing to comfort me. I do.

GOD I just want to hibernate somewhere. I WISH I can just be a bear for a season. Hibernate in the cave. CRY and emo all I want and not have to bother and care about how people will respond to my grieving moments all the time.I honestly don't feel secure being my true self lately among friends in general. A few who can relate, I feel more comfortable to really be me. I must have been such a changed weirdo than I already am lately. I bet even close friends generally do not understand me anymore. Yea you can say that self esteem is on a roller coaster ride too. There are moments where I'm pure normal, more than confident, there are random moments that I'm pure low especially being around a couple of particular friends. Yea I'm grieving and it's normal huh? But I so feel it. My mind is clouded. sigh.

Grief's unexpected turns throws at me again and again. I feel that for every step forward, I take at least one step back. Perhaps this grieving process will take longer than I ever imagined.

"Please don't rush this process. Remember, what you are feeling is not only normal; it is necessary." People always tell me. But just when will I feel that I'm really moving somewhere? Sometimes I really don't want to move. Other times, I wish I've moved on and not be stuck a wretched (like now). I cannot even begin to put my grief in a time frame. Thank you that I don't have to

I've been thinking, knowing God and His comfort does not take away the ache at all. Instead, He is just the pain killer to my heart ache. Until I see daddy again, the heart aches will be there. God will just be that pain killer. Not the solution to take away the pain. Because it will still come back from time to time. As for now, every second, every hour, EVERYDAY!

Reading the Psalms, David grew weary with the process of grief and cried out to the Lord. Then he left the timing in God's hands. I guess I will just do the same. Whether it's a year or two, or even 10 years. I guess I cant rush it huh?

"Be merciful to me, LORD, for I am faint; O LORD, heal me, for my bones are in agony. My soul is in anguish. How long, O LORD, how long? Turn, O LORD, and deliver me; save me because of your unfailing love" (Psalm 6:2-4).

"I am weary with my sighing; Every night I make my bed swim, I dissolve my couch with my tears. My eye has wasted away with grief" (Psalm 6:6-7).

God I'm SO angry with you at times but I also acknowledge that you are my comforter and the only one I could get real comfort from. It's SO hard to balance between these two emotions.

I need another dose of "pain killers" from you tonight God.