Random Thoughts

How often do I actually get the chance to sit down and write the moment the thoughts come, when the whole feeling of blogging just takes over naturally? Honestly, not very often.

Tonight marks the first time. Something a little personal, a little random. You may not fully understand it, and that is okay. You don't have to read through.

It has been three years now. How time moves without asking permission. I did not even notice how far we had come or how long this had been lingering. Season after season. Drifting apart and finding our way back. I find myself wondering how many times this cycle has to repeat itself. Walking away, only to be led back to the same ground again.

God, sometimes I genuinely wonder what you are trying to teach me through all of this. Idiot or not, I believe there is a lesson buried somewhere in here.

I have tried walking away for good. But Lord, you kept pulling me back up, reminding me you are working behind the scenes. And I would say, "God, I really don't see anything on the surface." And you would say, 'Don't you trust me? Have I not proven myself?" And honestly, you have. That one defining season sealed it. You gave me more than I expected and let me experience your grace in ways I could not have imagined. But then I would say, "Lord, this feels different." And you would simply say, "Just trust me. I'm working behind the scenes for you."

You reminded me of that story you led me to, the one I held onto in the middle of all my insecurity and uncertainty. I am still holding onto it. But Lord, I still see no progress.

We have talked. Things were said. But nothing really changed. We talked again. Some things shifted. But we are still not where we need to be. All I feel is confusion. So many things have happened that I cannot stop turning over in my mind. I wish I could voice them out loud and clearly. But some things are meant to stay vague, maybe even unspoken. I wish I could express what is sitting in my heart. But I am not sure it would be received well.

So here I am again. At the altar of grace.

I reckon this is the last lap. I hope it is. I am praying for answers that are loud and clear. Praying that what comes will be the desires I have held so close for so long. And yet so often I find myself praying, "Lord, let it be your will." How often do I truly mean it?

Thank you God for always being there to lift me up. Moments of tears... actually, what tears? They will not come, and that is what I hate most. That feeling of wanting to cry, needing to release everything, and yet nothing comes out.

But I remember last night so clearly. That feeling of being enveloped, as though you were wrapping your arms around me and just holding me there. Daddy God, thank you for not sounding like the discouraging voices. Thank you for embracing me in moments like this and surrounding me with your love.

My prayer today, tomorrow and in the short days ahead will remain the same. I hope it will not be in vain. I want to trust you wholeheartedly, Lord.