The matter A issue of my heart

There is a certain matter in my life that I have been carrying largely on my own for six years now. God has been the only one I have truly spoken to about it. But I have always wanted to share it with my mum; it felt like it would be good for her to know.

Let's just call it Matter A for now.

Last night on the drive home, something in me just took the moment and went for it. I began telling her how I felt, little by little. And to my surprise, she was quite encouraging. That felt like a really good sign, like a door opening just enough to let a little light through. A good start.

Of course my mum is no fool. I sensed she already had some idea of what I was navigating. But I have never really gone into detail with her about it, partly because in the earlier days she did not quite understand what I was going through. So I kept it to myself. But lately she has been more open and more encouraging, and that has quietly given me more confidence to want to share the deeper parts of my heart with her.

So I pressed on a little further last night, sharing my true feelings bit by bit. It was encouraging, for the most part.

But somewhere along the way I sensed her attention drifting; perhaps she was focused on the road or had something else turning over in her mind. So I let it go there. Did not push further.

And I suppose that is okay. It was still a step. I learned what I needed to learn and shared a little of what I had been holding for so long. But there is so much more still sitting inside me, six years of thoughts and feelings around this one matter.

Maybe a better moment will come. I hope it will. I do not want to reach the end of it all and realise she never truly knew what I walked through.

Then again, perhaps there are some things we are simply meant to carry and learn from on our own. I will leave that one with God.