Been thinking...

My mind feels like it has come to a halt right now.

Somehow, words still cannot fully express what I’m feeling inside. I’ve been catching up with a few close friends lately, updating them on what has been happening in my life over the past couple of months. And after repeating the story a few times, it started stirring my thoughts again.

I think I’m beginning to feel the weight of the aftereffects.

I’m okay with what has taken place. I really am. But recently, I’ve started to feel the heaviness of it sitting on my shoulders. When it happened, my mind went blank. I didn’t know what to say, even though there was so much inside me. So much I wanted to express. So much I wished I had said!

Now the whole incident keeps replaying in my mind over and over again. Maybe because I know I never really got to say everything I wanted to say.

I guess I was caught off guard. I didn’t expect it to happen then, not until the very last moment. So there was no time to prepare, no time to clear my thoughts, no time to step back and look at everything more clearly. Most importantly, no time to think through what I needed to say when the moment came.

I thought I would be the one to initiate it. I didn’t think it would come that soon.

Technically, things are settled. But there are still aftereffects. I suppose everything that happens in life leaves something behind. And right now, I’m feeling that.

I’ve been wondering if I should deal with it by talking about it. To say what I didn’t get the chance to say. To clear the few clouds that are still lingering.

Whatever happened cannot be undone. That’s not the point anymore. The real question is whether it was handled well and how it will be handled from here.

The decision itself is no longer the issue. What matters now is what happens after this.

And I feel that if certain things are not cleared now, we may not be able to move toward what we truly hoped for. The prayers that were made, and the things committed to God, must also be walked out with sincerity. Otherwise, they remain only as words.

Still, I’m thankful that things went well. So close, yet so far.

I’m thankful for the understanding that this may be for the best. I’m also proud that, so far, I’ve been able to handle it with grace.

But I’ve never been through something like this before. Sometimes I still wonder how it all even came about.

I see it as a lesson to learn from and a bigger perspective to grow into. It may seem insignificant to others, but to me, it has left a mark.

God, help me see beyond all this.

As I move forward, help me be a victor. Help me become someone who can still encourage others and be a blessing.

Let nothing and no one satisfy me more than You, Lord.

From this moment on, I need Your wisdom.

And above all, let nothing become awkward.