NOT GD AT ALL for now at least...

This wasn’t meant to be my first post of 2008. Definitely not something this emo or dramatic. But I really just need a space to let it out, and where else is better than here?

So sorry guys, New Year wishes will have to wait. I’m having a bit of an emotional overflow right now. Just need to release for a moment. Thanks for understanding. I really appreciate it.

Today did not start well. I repeat, did not.

It’s honestly not nice to be someone else’s emotional dumping ground. And somehow, I feel like I’m the only one around here who people feel free to throw their moods at. But where am I supposed to put mine?

Can anyone see that I’m human too? That I already have so much going on inside, and I don’t need more added on top of it?

I’m already trying to manage what’s within me.

And the ironic thing is, I didn’t even cry over something that I thought I would. I’m still surprised at myself. Maybe that means I’ve moved on.

But still… I’m shaken by everything.

Yes, I am an emotional person. That’s just who I am. Welcome to Rachel’s world.

And somehow, I’ve learned to hold it all together so well that people don’t even realise how much is going on inside me. Sounds impressive, right?

But it also feels… lonely.

Because at the end of the day, I’m the one picking myself up again.

And yes, I know God is there. I do. This is just me releasing for a moment.

I don’t need sympathy. I just wish for understanding. Someone who can actually sit with me in it, not just brush it off.

And it hurts when you realise you can’t speak to someone the way you used to. When things shift, and suddenly the connection feels different.

Why does it have to be that way?

Why can’t things just be normal?

But then again… not everyone thinks the same way I do.

Maybe that’s the reality I need to accept.

Still, I believe honesty matters. If we can be real with each other, relationships can grow deeper. Otherwise, everything just stays surface level.

Am I asking for too much?

Or is this just me, expecting something that was never meant to be there?

Sometimes it feels like I’m talking to myself, trying to make sense of it all. Letting it out, then closing the door again, and stepping back into the “I’m okay” version of myself.

But then the question comes again… is that real? Or is that just pretending?

Because you can’t walk around ignoring a wound. You’ll feel it with every step.

Maybe some people don’t notice it. Maybe it’s not significant to them. And I guess that’s something I have to come to terms with.

Who am I, right?

I’m not as strong or as put together as people think. I’m still human. Still figuring things out. Still learning how to deal with everything that comes my way.

But I do know this.

I will keep going.

I will still wake up and remind myself that this can be a good day. That I have value. That I carry something meaningful within me. That I am a child of God, and I will rise to be who He has called me to be.

I want to strive for excellence in what I do. And I am trying.

I’m just learning how to navigate different priorities in life. And sometimes, I need moments like this to release.

Phew… I think I’ve calmed down now.

If this sounds all over the place, that’s because it is. It’s not meant to be structured. Just thoughts spilling out as they come.

But if you’re reading this, I hope you can feel where I’m coming from.

Right now, there’s a song playing in my mind.
“Be blessed, be loved, be lifted high…”

And somehow, it reminds me that God is still here.

Even in moments like this.

I’m not giving up. Just catching my breath.

And maybe… all I really need right now
is a hug.