Fallen deeper than I thought

What started off as your plain, simple invite,

Became a whole new bright side,

Of things that is the unknown.

To me, you have shown,

The kind gesture,

That got me captured.

Into a whole new world with you,

That I'd never ever knew.

I've then taken the risk to see something new.

I've then choose to take a journey to explore a new view.

Little did I know I would see you.

In a whole new light that I'd never knew.

A little spark, a little brew,

A little liking, I had never knew,

Till someone asked, and got me all startled,

Then as I observed, I noticed the sparkle.

Should I? Or should I not, 

That's what I've been at knots,

Resisting it purely,

Refraining it truly,

Came to a journey,

That got me all weary.

So I decided to embrace it.

To see what we can create out of it.

The sweetness that came with it,

Was something that you lit?

Then I decided to stay at that shore.

To see what's there more,

I put my heart out on my hand,

And hope that you'll embrace it at the end.

Because things seems very possible,

Therefore I made my actions noticeable.

I thought you were ready to explore. 

But little did I know that you were not on the spur.

Too guilty, too afraid that you'll repeat the past for sure,

But little did you know that I was ready to walk you through this sore.

I come to love not by finding a perfect person, 

but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly, 

That person is you indefinitely.

I've come to love you fully for who you are.

Every single cell that denotes you thus far, 

All the moments that you made,

That took my breath away.

Had surpasses all your weaknesses,

And made me see all your meekness.

I've fallen deeper than I thought.

Now how am I suppose to sort?

The feelings that I have for you in this heart,

That may never ever part.

If only you'd be open to explore,

To see what's in stored,

I believe you'll be amazed.

With what will be ablaze. 

I know that for sure.

Because I am assured,

That this love is absurd,

Will definitely be superb. 

Falling deeper than I thought,

WK your heart I will continue to seek.
It's just a decision and choice to make.
To experience a whole new wake.

Testing

Open publication - Free publishing - More motorcar

Till when will it last?

Hi, Blog. It has been more than a year since I was last here. I can feel the dust settling over everything, the kind that calls for a proper spring clean. But that can wait for another day. Right now I just want to sit in it, in the dust and the stillness, and let it feel familiar again. Like nothing has changed. Like time stood still just enough for that to be possible.

I wish Daddy were still here. Just like before.

I suppose since this place has been so forgotten, no one will likely stumble upon this. So I can just pour it all out here, quietly, without having to explain myself.

I cannot sleep. Again. Every night feels like a quiet kind of torture. What is the point of sleeping when I know I will wake at 2.30, then 3.30, sometimes 4.30, sometimes every hour, and without fail at exactly 5.30am? That was the hour it all happened. And the moment I open my eyes, it plays again. Over and over and over. I find myself staring at that corner of the room where it all unfolded, and it is as if it were happening again, right in front of me. I rushed over once, hoping to grab hold of Dad, only to realise I was somewhere between waking and hallucinating, the scene projecting from somewhere inside me onto the walls of the room.

When will this end? When will I wake up and not have it waiting for me?

God, WHEN?????????????? God, FREAKIN WHY?????????????

You feel so cruel to me right now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU broke my family. YOU broke our hearts into pieces. Do you know what it costs to live through every single night like this??????????????? The emotion that comes with it. The after-effects that linger long into the day.

It feels like a Job season. First, things began to unravel. Then you took my dad. Who is next? Why not me????

I have tried so hard to be optimistic. I have worshipped as sincerely as I know how. But every time, I find my way back to the same corner of grief, the same emotional rollercoaster with no clear end. The joy that used to rise from somewhere deep, that steady strength that carried our family through every hard season before this –IT IS GONE. No matter how hard I try, I keep landing in the same place of tremendous heartache. An intensity that only I know the full weight of.

I do not feel like I am moving forward at all. So many times I wish I could just grieve openly, everywhere I go, without a filter. But life does not allow that. I have to try to be okay when I am with friends. I have to smile when smiling is the last thing I feel. Because who wants to be around someone crying all the time? I know they are trying their best to comfort me, and I do appreciate it. I truly do.

But God, I just want to hibernate. I wish I could be like a bear for a season. Disappear into a cave, cry and feel everything without worrying about how it looks or how others will respond. I do not feel safe being fully myself around people lately, except for a few who understand. I must seem so different now, even to those who know me well. My self-worth has been on its own rollercoaster, moments of pure confidence and then sudden drops, especially around certain people.

I know grief is like this. I know it is normal. But knowing that does not make it feel any less real.

For every step forward, there seems to be at least one step back. Maybe this will take far longer than I ever thought it would.

People keep telling me not to rush the process, that what I feel is not only normal but necessary. And I hear them. But when will I feel like I am actually getting somewhere? Sometimes I do not even want to move. Other times I am desperate to be free from this stuck, wretched feeling. I cannot put my grief into a timeline. And right now I am grateful I do not have to.

I have been sitting with this thought. Knowing God and His comfort does not take the ache away. He is more like a painkiller for the heart. The ache will still return, because the source of it, missing my dad, will not go away until I see him again. So for now, God is not the solution that removes the pain. He is what makes it bearable. And right now, every second, every hour, every day, I need that.

David grew weary in his grief and cried out to the Lord. And then he left the timing in God's hands. I think that is all I can do too. Whether it takes one year or ten, I cannot rush this.

God, I am so angry with you sometimes. And yet I know you are the only one who can offer me any real comfort. It is hard to hold both of those truths at once.

I need another dose of your painkiller tonight.

Random Thoughts

How often do I actually get the chance to sit down and write the moment the thoughts come, when the whole feeling of blogging just takes over naturally? Honestly, not very often.

Tonight marks the first time. Something a little personal, a little random. You may not fully understand it, and that is okay. You don't have to read through.

It has been three years now. How time moves without asking permission. I did not even notice how far we had come or how long this had been lingering. Season after season. Drifting apart and finding our way back. I find myself wondering how many times this cycle has to repeat itself. Walking away, only to be led back to the same ground again.

God, sometimes I genuinely wonder what you are trying to teach me through all of this. Idiot or not, I believe there is a lesson buried somewhere in here.

I have tried walking away for good. But Lord, you kept pulling me back up, reminding me you are working behind the scenes. And I would say, "God, I really don't see anything on the surface." And you would say, 'Don't you trust me? Have I not proven myself?" And honestly, you have. That one defining season sealed it. You gave me more than I expected and let me experience your grace in ways I could not have imagined. But then I would say, "Lord, this feels different." And you would simply say, "Just trust me. I'm working behind the scenes for you."

You reminded me of that story you led me to, the one I held onto in the middle of all my insecurity and uncertainty. I am still holding onto it. But Lord, I still see no progress.

We have talked. Things were said. But nothing really changed. We talked again. Some things shifted. But we are still not where we need to be. All I feel is confusion. So many things have happened that I cannot stop turning over in my mind. I wish I could voice them out loud and clearly. But some things are meant to stay vague, maybe even unspoken. I wish I could express what is sitting in my heart. But I am not sure it would be received well.

So here I am again. At the altar of grace.

I reckon this is the last lap. I hope it is. I am praying for answers that are loud and clear. Praying that what comes will be the desires I have held so close for so long. And yet so often I find myself praying, "Lord, let it be your will." How often do I truly mean it?

Thank you God for always being there to lift me up. Moments of tears... actually, what tears? They will not come, and that is what I hate most. That feeling of wanting to cry, needing to release everything, and yet nothing comes out.

But I remember last night so clearly. That feeling of being enveloped, as though you were wrapping your arms around me and just holding me there. Daddy God, thank you for not sounding like the discouraging voices. Thank you for embracing me in moments like this and surrounding me with your love.

My prayer today, tomorrow and in the short days ahead will remain the same. I hope it will not be in vain. I want to trust you wholeheartedly, Lord.

New look?

I reckon it's time to give this blog a new look and feel. It's too bright in here!!!!

It needs to be toned down... hmm... pink... grey.. yellow... white..turquoise with a tinge of blue....sounds like a good combo?

Yeah, I think so! Ok, I shall work on that before I start posting anything up. I have so much in mind, especially these past few days. Need the ambiance of this blog to be right before I'm able to write anything.

Something's happened that we can no longer change – it's impossible to turn back time to redo anything.